I have been going through a very tumultuous time in my life, and some of the factors prohibited me from publishing anything online.
Nonetheless, I am back. And because I feel that I have somewhat become part of a community online, I thought that I would in some way share parts of what my recent struggle has been- it is only fair.
I decided to be brave. For once in my life, I was scared to my core, but I pushed through and remained brave, in order to find myself and attain happiness and peace in my own life.
I have been extremely daring in the past, pushing my boundaries, and not giving a second thought to who was involved, for my own sake, but they were all mistakes. I guess that leaving what I had at certain points in my life (in the past) and just walking away from it all was juvenile, and maybe even coward, because I just walked away and never faced the details behind the problem. The difference between then and now is that back then I was a child, and the choice of walking away and never looking back filled me with excitement and glee- absolutely no fear at all.
This time, however, I pondered my decision for months, looking for any ray of light that could possibly warm what had become cold, hoping and praying, and then giving up praying and looking for other options to guide me to where I felt I needed to be, because all that I knew was that where I was at that present moment, was not where I needed to be; that it wasn't conducive to me in any way at all. When I finally decided that I was going to pull myself together and do what it felt my only option was, I was filled with a fear that was almost crippling- I felt sick for days before I actually walked out of the environment I had found myself in.
At the moment, I am living in the aftermath, and it's not easy at all.
I am so confused about what's to come, and I know what I want to do with my life, but the fact that I am alone at the end of the day, having to make it on my own, with the huge risk of falling flat on my face, that often, I still wonder if what I did was the right thing. But I know, in my heart, that the question of whether I did the right thing or not is not of me, but of my fear.
Not-knowing is a nasty little thing that sits in the pit of your stomach and pushed up all sorts of things, both into your mind and your mouth, trying to make things bitter.
The one thing that's consistent though, is that I feel strong.
I might not know what's going to happen, where I am going to get this or that, how I am going to do certain things or where exactly I am going, but I know that where I came from and everything relating to it, was doing me no good, and to stay in that situation for the sake of being comfortable on the surface, was something that would eventually chew away at everything good within me, leaving me miserable and sour.
And I choose life.
When you make certain decisions, especially those that are bold beyond belief - people cannot understand how you could do such a thing - you risk losing friends, family, advantages, perks, comforts; the choice you make for yourself could even earn you some enemies.
However, I would rather have enemies who really don't know me or my struggle and who I need not to even interact with much, than have to look at myself every day, only hating myself more and more with each manipulated decision I make.
The road is long and winding, and can oftentimes be lonely. My character is being tested daily. I know that I have to put on my big-girl panties and continue in my bravery, continue to put one foot in front of the next, and adopt the strength and courage to know that I am enough for me. I have to trust myself, and be smart enough to push myself while treating myself delicately.
Fighting for yourself can be the greatest fight of your life, and I'm brave enough to make it mine, not only because I know that nobody else will take better care of me than me myself, but also because I deserve it- I am worth my fight.
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