A Poem- A Lonely Freedom

staring at me
- uncaring eyes
penetrating
countless, invisible pricks
- on my burning skin
I see them not
yet I feel their eyes
-probing
for I am not, and cannot be
whole within
heart- it cries
my soul has tried
and therein
only betraying myself
I am alone
and incapable am I
of befriending anyone
- so I converse with myself

how a part of me swells
with desire
to sit on the porch
trading kind words with a boon
but what I am made up of
within
allows not idle buffoonery
dancing not to the mockingbirds tune

it seems to me
when toiling  upon cycles of ponderous thoughts
- a flock exists
to which most people are drawn
'we must conform'
for I cannot otherwise fathom the likenesses
within the throngs
for ludicrous is it to presume that as such
they were born

no- I will stay
remaining this way
suffocating myself
in my lonesome thoughts, misery
- than go along
morphing into one
so exactly like the others
- for where ends the similarity?
and how lonesome, I ask
-could one possibly be
with a mind
that spawns many a people and land?
- not as lonesome, I say
as the rest
anguished in questionable turmoil
for there's but one lead singer in a band

yes- I will rock
back and forth,
and mind them not
upon the creaking porch passageway
nursing my momentary
lonesome sorrow
until my mind wakens from its' slumber
to comfort my soul and take me away

When The Going Gets Tough...

I cannot account for other writers. But I know myself.

Sometimes, I feel things too deeply, and I analyze things in too much detail and everything just feels muddled, which leaves me broody and listless; I end up feeling so drained, that I cannot even bear the thought of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).

When the new year started, I felt differently, almost like some kind of awakening. I hadn't achieved much in terms of my writing. I had piles of word documents on my desktop, stacks of papers scattered around, of writing which I had never completed- for various reasons, such as:
* feeling as though I have no support from the people around me
* worrying that I might invest all of my time into writing something that might never get published
* wondering if there is even a market in my country (South Africa), especially for young writers who have no yet established a name for themselves
* procrastinating (to be honest)
* doubting my abilities
* becoming overwhelmed by my emotions or by the events of my life.

I decided to change. I mean, eventually, something's got to give (as the saying goes).

I mean, let's be realistic:

* Yes, perhaps there is no support from the people around me, but there are people who understand somewhere out there (like online)
* worrying gets nobody nowhere and I would definitely not be published if I didn't, in any way, at least try
* if there is currently no market, you can create a market, and the only way you can establish a name for yourself is by producing work
* we all know what procrastination is the thief of... and the clock is ticking...
* we all have doubts here and there, but if you have a gut feeling about something and you believe in yourself and enjoy what you do, there will be people who note this and you will eventually find followers. Also, honing your skills requires dedication to your art
* we all become overwhelmed by our daily lives every now and then, but the important thing is to not let it control your life.

And so I made a decision that no matter what, I would dedicate time to my writing with absolutely no excuses, not even 'being too tired', even if it was just an hour's writing or 1000 words.
To my surprise, I realized that when I did it, I didn't even notice the time going by, and I always went beyond  the 1000 words. And that's how it goes when you pick up what you're passionate about and refuse life to take control.

I think that it's important to find a circle of people (whether in real life or online) who understand your passion and encourage you.
It's important to find likeminded individuals who will support your endeavors.
It's important to make friends, acquaintances and even find a mentor, who will check up on you, see your growth and from whom you can draw strength and inspiration.

Bu whatever you do, just write!

HELP!!! They Want my Creativity!!!

I know what it's like to be born with a hyperactive imagination- I have had one as far back as I can remember.
It was only a matter of time of me having to learn how to read and write, and the rest was history- I was absolutely smitten and in love.
And so, as a child, I always envisioned myself sitting anywhere with a notebook and a pen, scribbling away as if my life depended upon it. During my teens, when I became a social outcast and the black sheep of the family, I consoled myself with the thought that I would be alone most of the time writing, and that as long as I had books, notebooks and pens, I would be more than alright- I would someday be a writer.
But then, life happened!

My Grade 11 teacher was the first person who broke my spirit in terms of the faith I had in myself, completely causing me to doubt the talent I thought I had up until then.
My fragility made me completely weak, and so I continued to work hard on my academics, leaving my writing behind.
I am not sure why so much focus is put into grooming children into thinking that they need to stick to safe and secure, traditional jobs in order to find and maintain a stable lifestyle when not all people are wired the same.

I ended up studying Journalism- at least it was a form of writing, I told myself. But the closer I got to my finals, the more I felt like the theory was draining me of being creative.
I guess I was too weak to stand up and fight for what I wanted from life back then, and so I got swept along and ended up in the typical 9-5 job- up until now.
There hasn't been a single day that has gone by where I haven't thought about how if I had been encouraged to pursue my dreams and hone by creativity, I could have found my place in society where I felt that I belonged, and even possibly created jobs for others, too.

Here's the thing though- there are people who are born for the corporate 9-5 jobs; there are people who thrive within the business world; there are people who feel about numbers the way I feel about writing; there are people who live off economics, that are excited with the stock markets.
And then there are people who are born with creativity.

I think it's easier to find a job within the service or office sector. But when you're creative, you'll never be truly happy unless you follow your passion and stick to the talent you were born with.

And so, as I work 9-5 to 'make ends meet', I make sure that I do not forget about my first love- writing.

It's important to set aside that time to be who you really are and to do what you feel that you were born to do.

You just never know when your passion and talent might become what it was always meant to be had you stuck to it in the first place.